Bruck Kian was your typical teenage boy. He loved rugby, music and most of all girls, but there was one problem he was poor and left working as a cleaner in his school Otraka High School located in the run down neighbourhood of Otara. Both of Bruck's parents had never been rich nor poor, it was not only until his dad had died, his life dramatically fell to pieces. Now 18, he has the urge to make something out of his life; complete level 3 Ncea and find the girl of his dreams.
"Should i get up? But why?..There is nothing for me" Bruck speculates.
"I'm sick of being treated like shit"
An ongoing thought replaying in his mind like a broken record player.
(As Bruck gets out of bed and puts the same old torn jeans, broken jandles and cut up singlet, he glances at himself in the mirror. His reflection showing nothing but emptiness and disconsolateness. His appearance comparing to a deep-fried hedgehog; with Greasy hair looking like fast food from a Chinese takeaway and unshaven rough looking features.)
What is the point of living?..No-one will ever want to love some-one like me
I have no money, a fucked up job, no dad
How am i ever going to find the girl of my dreams?
As I collect my bag and head for the door, the sound of my mum's car filled the street. Oh shit. While she pulls up into the drive way, I peel back the torn/stained curtains to find a big black man standing at my door step. His face was filled with tattoos and piercings, the only piece of clothing i noticed was his vest with the words BLACK POWER embedded on the back. Who the hell is this, I thought to myself. Moments later, seven dwarf looking Maori's jumped out of the car. Who the hell are these midgets, i wondered.
Meet your new step dad and brothers, mum said. My mouth dropped open, my eyes bulging out of my sockets. I stood there as if life itself had frozen. Uh..um..hi, i stuttered. The strong stench of alcohol filled my nostrils. I swear the smell burnt my nose hairs. Mum forced me to stay for a while and get to know them. Gosh! First impressions do capture the humans eye. My new so called "step dad" introduced them. Alky, Drugy, Stealy, Sleezy, Killy, Bashy, Nawty. The only thing I could think of was trouble.
I set off to school, a million things running through my head. Please don't say this is a bloody re-run of "The Gang Member and the 7 Maori's".My day could not get any worst. I arrived at school to see posters everywhere "The Ever After Ball P.s No mask, No Entry". Now tell me, how in the world am i going to afford this. Hmm.. maybe I could just sneak in? Okay, now that I have that part sorted, who's going to be my partner? Well...for the past couple of days I have noticed this one girl, her names Otrianne. She was tall, beautiful and had the body of a goddess. What more could a guy ask for. I knew she was way too good for me, but it was worth a try. I managed to get a hold of her cellphone number, YESSS!
What do I say?
Hey, My names Bruck and I'm a cleaner?
Hell no!
Hmm...what could my name be? Something romantic?
How about Cinderfella?
There was a week to go before the Ever After ball and time was ticking. I decided to text her, but instead of writing one of those sleazy texts, I took another approach. Poetry. As I slowly pressed the numbers on my key pad, a passage started to form. My hands were sweating, my stomach was turning and my heart was beating so loud it could form its own band.
Dear Otrianne,
’Open the door, my princess dear,
Open the door to thy true love here!
And mind the words that thou and I said
By the fountain cool, in the greenwood shade.’
Cinderfella
Now all i needed to do was wait for a reply.
I rushed home from school, forgetting about my new "step dad and midgets, oh I mean brothers" I bolted through the house and ran straight to my room. Oh my god I can't believe I actually had the guts to text Otrianne. Now, all I needed was to find away to persuade my mum into letting me go to my school ball. I guess there was no harm in asking. I slowly approached the lounge where my mum and my new step dad were; propped up on the couch watching re-runs of Neighbours at War. Uh..hey mum, i was just wondering...? Within seconds I was cut off by the noise of the bloody midgets. Bro did you hear about that Ever After Ball? Sleezy grunted. I think we should all just go, get "layed", then trash the place; another brother replied. Oh no, that was the last thing i wanted to hear, now I'm guessing if they're allowed to go I am.
It was the night of the ball and I had been looking forward to this day for some time now. Once again the sweat from my hands started to form a puddle beneath me, my body became hot, my chest felt so tight as if it were getting wrapped up in a million rubber bands. I kept telling myself this is it, it's either now or never. By now Alky, Drugy, Stealy, Sleezy, Killy, Bashy and Nawty had sorted out a way to trash the "Ever After Ball". The brothers knew Bruck was only going to the ball to meet up with some chick called Otrianne. Since my new found brothers hated my guts, they decided to plot and evil plan against me, wreck my chances of happiness and steal who was soon to be my girl.
I walked inside to see Otrianne standing on the dance floor, alone; glaring around trying to spot Cinderfella. She wore a beautiful Red silky, backless dress, with amazing Tamoko patterns flowing around her body. I froze, amazed by the beautiful woman standing across the room. I swore my heart skipped a beat; I was speechless. I gradually walked over to her, lent over and whispered in her ear. I hope your day is as radiant as your smile. She pulled back, looked at me as if she was getting ready to scream; eyebrows raised and everything. Then suddenly her expression changed, a smile appeared on her face, she grabbed my sweaty hands and said "I have been expecting you".
As we held each other tight and slow danced in the middle of the school hall, we gazed into each others eyes. At this moment nothing in the world mattered. It felt like we had known each other for years. With every heart beat we began to get closer to one another. Otrianne slowly placed her hands on my face trying to reveal my true identity and just as my lips were about to lock with her delicate, lips of an angel; the music cut out and a bright white light shone on everyone in the hall. I let go of Otrianne's hand and tried blocking out the light, but it was too strong. I looked up on the stage and saw seven little people on holding the microphone. By now, the hall was dead as silent as a pearl's plan in a grain of sand. One of them holding a gun in his hand. They thought that using a gun to scare the students would be fun, but they didn't plan on purposely hurting anyone. Clear this hall immediately! The brothers repeated.
Without thinking I sprinted towards the exit of the hall, leaving Otrainne behind. As Bruck faded into the background Otrianne saw something shiny sparking under the bright lights. It was his mobile phone. Otrianna retrieved the phone and placed it in her bra keeping it safe and close to her heart. As she stood up to get ready to run, it was too late. There was a big explosion and a thump to her chest. She immediately collapsed and fell to the floor, gasping for air and holding her chest. Otrianne had been shot. I arrived home to find that my school was all over the news.
(Hillary Barry Reporting live from Otraka High school in Otara)
At 11.35pm today, a special event that many students of Otraka High school were looking forward to; turned into the worst event of their lives. It was a normal school ball until these seven little people (showing each of the brothers pictures in the top right hand corner) decided to play a prank on their brother. Wreaking not only Bruck's ball, but also other students as well. With the result of this prank, ten people were severely injured and a girl had unfortunately lost her life, from a bullet to her chest.
My heart was racing at the speed of light, could it be Otrianne? What if she is dead? It would be all my fault, said Bruck. I ran back to school to find Otrianne covered by a white sheet all alone in the school hall. I gradually approached the body, hands shaking, and heart still racing. I knelt down beside her, there was this feeling inside of me that I had never felt before. Could this be love? My eyes began to fill with tears, as one trickled down my face it softly dropped onto her cheek. I grasped her hand and held it in both of mine, placing it close to my heart. I looked up at the sky hoping that God would here my plea for help. Please lord, please this can't be happening to me, Bruck said to himself. I thought to myself should I kiss her? Not being a rapist or anything, I lent in towards her, by now we were face to face. Wow, I thought to myself this is the closest I had ever been to a girl. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, puckered my lips, and gave her a sweet, comforting angel kiss. Followed by a subtle whisper in her ear, I love you.
Within moments she awoke, coughing and short of breath. She reached into her t-shirt and pulled out my mobile phone. I took it from her hand, looked closely at it and saw that the bullet had pierced the screen. I put one hand behind her head, supporting her neck, and the other behind her back. I carefully pulled her towards me; tears still running down my face. She looked into my eyes with a slight smile appearing, she whispered in my ear and said...
If i has to choose between loving you, and breathing. I would use my last breath to say I LOVE YOU.
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Oh man, that was really funny. My favourite line was, 'Now 18, he has the urge to make something out of his life; complete level 3 Ncea and find the girl of his dreams.' That's a great tagline for the story.
ReplyDeleteThe story has a really good energy, it's consistently nervous and excited, which is perfect for the story and exactly what you'd want the reader to feel.
Bruck is the driving force of that energy, he embodies it, but towards the end when he panics and runs, I really lost a lot of care for him. It's a surprisingly unlikeable thing to do. I guess it's a pretty nervous thing to do, it fits but there wasn't a lot of detail about how he felt when it happens, to explain to the reader why he bolts. If you added that in we, the reader, might be on his side more.
But I have another suggestion! If instead of running away, he runs away but pulls her along with him, but they get confronted... but he still has to drop his phone... He could drop it while they're escaping, and she goes back for it, like just stops and bends down, doesn't seem like a big thing, but then they get confronted by a dwarf! and she gets shot and it's real sad, but she's actually okay, but maybe Bruck could grab the gun, kick the dwarf, get revange, be a man, but it then turns out she's okay... I don't know, I'm just saying :P
I think the dialogue could be easier to follow if you put it in 'quotation marks', then the reader would realise that it's dialogue before they get to the 'said so and so'.
I quite enjoyed how far this deviates from the original fairy tales, it makes the story more open and you don't know what's going to happen or what the characters are like already. But the fairy tale element gave it the license to be surreal, which is used well.
So yeah, I rather liked this, it was funny and sweet, fastpaced and engaging.
Nice!